It’s a journey familiar to anyone who has lived more than 20 years. Loss is a painful and challenging road.

Several months ago I started watching a television show on Acorn.tv – my new favorite streaming membership. The show is “800 Words” about a man and his two children who moved from Australia to New Zealand just after his wife was killed in an accident.

Against the wishes of his in-laws he uproots his family, seeking to outrun the ghosts and memories of his beloved wife who was taken too quickly from her home, her family and her future.

And who among us hasn’t had someone taken too quickly from us?

He finds a loving and generous community who takes him in and supports him as he tries to find his way through grief and loss. He’s a writer who produces a weekly column that is always 800 words long – not shorter or longer – just 800 words.

Hollywood – or Australia version of Tinseltown – does a phenomenal job of giving us a glimpse into the world of loss and grief while this man is supported on all sides by women who see him as their next husband, children wise beyond their years and the town bully who suddenly becomes his benefactor.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if this is how we all walk out loss – as a single challenge in an otherwise unchallenging life?

But, it isn’t like that. Loss happens among the bills, financial problems, difficult bosses, cranky  children and irritating neighbors. Loss feels never ending, eating away through sleepless nights, coffee-drenched afternoons and evenings arguing with children. Loss is overwhelming, all encompassing and empty.

Above all, loss is empty.

And the enemy would like us all to believe that loss does not just FEEL never ending, but actually IS never ending.

Thankfully it just ain’t true.

If I am to think hard about loss in my own life, I can trace it back to when I was nine years old – and the same feelings of sadness and overwhelming angst that followed me through the next decades. It wasn’t always present, but when loss happened, the same feelings resurfaced.

I was convinced it was just how I experienced loss and what would be the path I took until the day I died. I was convinced everyone felt the same and had the same experiences, because – let’s face it – we don’t go around telling people how we suffer each day or every week over a loss we think we should have gotten over months ago.

But Jesus talked about grief and mourning many times in the Bible. He grieved over the death of his friends, and told us that grieving has a purpose in Ecclesiastes  7:2 “It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart.”

Grief refreshes our personal perspective on life and living each day. And Jesus reminds us that grief is to be temporary in Psalm 30:5 “Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”

But, what I had been experiencing was unrelenting night – there didn’t seem to be a morning. Through over 30 years of living I consistently found a reason in my daily life to explain the sadness I experienced.

What came first . . . the sadness or the experience?

In other words, was it the current experience that made me sad – and EAT – or was it the sadness I carried which influenced current experiences, and made me sad?

How much of a vicious cycle was I walking out since I was nine?

The first step in my journey through loss and grief was identifying the experiences that had triggered these feelings in the first place. It was a freeing experience to write out each and look at them objectively. So many times I had had seen all these experiences through a global lens of pain and suffering without picking them apart to see they were bad – but I had lived through and conquered more.

But what about the more immediate losses? What was necessary to attack and defend against those?

Grief is important. It’s healthy. It’s necessary to purge from the pain. But it should never be continuous. It’s not supposed to be forever.

How we move individually through that loss is a function of our own personality and relationship with Jesus. But the hard reality is that it IS supposed to end.

And that gives me hope. The knowledge that I might wallow now but must pull myself out of the mire by grasping the hand of my Savior is where hope lies – hope for a future, hope for a better tomorrow and hope that hope lives.

When my ex-husband and I were first married, we began to use a budget. I was used to saving and living a bit frugally – while my ex was more accustomed to eating out and spending much of his paycheck every month. It’s not that one is better or worse than the other – it’s just different.

One of the more common fights between couples is over how money is spent, but for some unknown reason I gave a little, he gave a little and we learned to adjust to each others spending habits, while still saving money in the long run.

However, I still stressed over some of the expenses I didn’t feel we should shoulder and he didn’t. I remember one day adding up what he was spending on lunch every week. I stood in the middle of our apartment kitchen, hands on my hips and stated – you really like living on the edge, don’t you?

It became an expression we both used any time an expense popped up that fell into a specific category of not too much to be overwhelming but more than $10.00 – one of us liked living on the edge.

Of course, it wasn’t really living on the edge, and neither of us really spent money recklessly – but I thought about that expression the other day.

When was the last time I lived life on the edge?

When was the last time I took a risk? Tried something outside my comfort zone? Rather, when was the last time I lived on the edge of what I considered home?

It had been years – and years – and it didn’t feel good. As a young woman I was used to change and making changes in my life with excitement at what the future would hold. I moved from Chicago to Indianapolis to see where a relationship would lead. It led nowhere.

I moved from a cozy little college town to Chicago to get my bachelors in nursing at a large prestigious university. My roommate from college and I moved into a great condo along Lake Shore Drive with a view of Lake Michigan after stumbling onto the lease. My hospital unit manager in Indianapolis fired me after I took a risk and didn’t call her when a child died one night because the mom asked me not to call her in.

Business ventures were tried and failed – and others succeeded.

But through most of my first decades of life, taking chances was a way of life that I embraced and enjoyed.

Today, raising the last of my four children, it feels like the right time to start living life on the edge once again.

The issue now becomes HOW to do it. What decisions are made first? What risks are worth the effort and which are those better left on the roadside?

My youngest and I joined a discipleship class about three months ago. We’ve learned a LOT, made some new friends and watched how God is moving in our lives in a very powerful way. We took a risk and it’s paying off in big dividends.

The other day I was out for a walk and God presented an opportunity I didn’t take. I didn’t take the risk that God presented – always a bad decision! – and I was again reminded I’m living a comfortable life and finding comfortable results.

Any great business person will tell you – to experience great results, many times requires big risk. The risks may not be obvious or even make you uncomfortable – but there will be risks.

The point where risks became undoable happened after the birth of my second son. Dragging around two children was much easier than three – and having four children felt like a risk in and of itself.

Today, risks will present themselves when God brings them into my life. In much the same way they happened before – except at that point I called it serendipity and coincidence. Today, I know better – but it doesn’t make the wait or the risk any less fun or exciting.

Living life on the edge also means being ready for failure – being able to accept the failure and move on to the next path, road, or decision.

However, the opposite side of the failure are the rewards and experiences that come with risk taking. AND, another benefit lies in the experience of the risk. The more you take, the easier the next one is, and the one after that.

Do you remember watching your children learning to walk? Each time they pulled up to stand and took a step out, they took a step in faith that at some point they would remain standing. With each failure they learned better balance, what they did wrong and they tried again.

Taking risks can be exactly like that – trying, failing and then getting up and trying again. The difference is to learn from those mistakes and after getting up to try doing it all differently. Maybe that’s where risk taking becomes scary – because failure may be inevitable, but success doesn’t come without failing, usually many more times than once.

In the next months I’m taking another risk – a business one this time. However, while it’s a new business venture, it’s not a huge risk as there isn’t much more than my time invested.

I can hear my sister yelling at me that my time is VALUABLE and I should stop de-valuing the time I spend doing anything. But, no matter how you slice it – I’ve not invested much money in this project and the time I have invested is time spent after my clients and without taking time from my daughter.

So, all told, is that really a risk?

Maybe it’s time I looked for something else to call a risk. My oldest daughter wants to move and wants me and her little sister to come along. A different part of the U.S. A new city. New friends and a whole new environment.

THAT sounds like a risk worth taking!

How much courage does it take to tell your children you don’t have the answer?

When I was a child, my mother always had an answer. And, according to her, she was always right. I remember a neighbor asked her once what would happen when her children finally realized that she really didn’t KNOW EVERYTHING. She laughed it off, thinking it would not cause a problem. In later years I found out it didn’t cause a problem for my sister. However, I wasn’t so lucky.

We are all different and we all process information differently. When I finally realized that my mother didn’t know everything, it was a huge emotional blow to me. It literally took me years to get over the fact that my mother was not nearly as wise and intelligent as I had once believed. She wasn’t the All-Seeing Genie I grew up believing she was.

And maybe for that reason I moved in the other direction with my own children. From the very beginning I learned how to say I was wrong. My ex-husband enjoyed it when I practiced on him, because he thought he was right all the time too! But when they came along I knew exactly how to say, I don’t know or I’m sorry I was wrong.

In fact, just this morning I was out for a walk with my dog and God opened up an opportunity for me. Unfortunately, I walked right past it and immediately regretted my decision. After all, God had entrusted this opportunity to me to share his love with someone else and I ignored it.

I didn’t have to and it wasn’t necessary, but when I got home I told my daughter all about it. And I prefaced the story with, “I’m telling you this so you don’t do it yourself. I want you to know where I messed up so that in the future you might not make the same mistake that I did.”

There is a certain power in this vulnerability. There Is power in acknowledging that you don’t know everything, that you make mistakes and that you are still growing as a person. This gives you the power to learn from someone else without feeling as if you’re more vulnerable than you really are.

I think we all get this in the abstract. It’s easy to say that as humans we are all fallible. But, when it comes down to us PERSONALLY making a mistake and owning it – it’s a bit more difficult – a bit more real.

I believe that when we can step outside the fear of being wrong and acknowledge that we really are wrong, it empowers us to move forward and grow in a way you just can’t if you’re always right. After all, if you’re always right – where is the room for growth? There isn’t anywhere to go but down at that point.

A long time ago I had a close friend who played racquetball. My friend was excellent at the game and, in fact so much so, that I refuse to play with them. It wasn’t that I was a bad racquetball player but that I knew I was much worse than my friend. And somehow, making myself vulnerable felt bad. If instead I had approached the situation by asking for help to become a better racquetball player I probably could have gotten in some good games and had some good fun.

In fact, what I found over the years is the time when I am most vulnerable to attack is the point when I am ahead of the game. When I turn it around and become vulnerable I suddenly have more power.

Whether vulnerability with your friends or coworkers is something you want to learn or not, vulnerability with your children is definitely something worth learning. Your children are a lot like computers, they’ll do what you show them to do and not necessarily what you tell them to do.

I remember when I got my first computer. This was before user-friendly operating systems. Everything was run in DOS. Faced with a black screen and computer language I was frequently caught screaming at the screen – “Do what I WANT you to do – NOT what I told you to do!”

Children have this unique ability to see past what you tell them to do and they do what they see you doing. When they see you saying you don’t know, they are more comfortable saying the same and acknowledging it may be time to learn something new.

It’s a short article today because there is a LOT I don’t know and a lot you and my children can teach me.

Thanks for listening!

The first time I became a parent I had twins. It didn’t seem real when I was pregnant and looking at pictures of ultrasounds. I was confined to bed rest for 3 months and it didn’t seem real when I was hooked up to monitors twice a day to ensure that premature labor hadn’t started again. In fact, it didn’t seem real even after the delivery with two neonatologists, two neonatal nurses, my doctor, my nurse and an anesthesiologist all crowded into a room waiting for two little babies to come out of me.

It wasn’t real until my ex-husband was out getting the car, strapping in two car seats and I was sitting in the room staring down at two infants sleeping soundly on my bed. I had been a pediatric nurse for 10 years and as I stared down at them I had no idea what to do.

But I knew one thing. I knew with all my heart that I loved those two children. I knew then I would give my life for them in that moment. Despite my fear and my inability to conceptualize what the next day would look like, I knew that I loved these two little ones.

It was unconditional love because I didn’t know anything about them. I didn’t know my son would have colic for months. I didn’t know my daughter had low muscle tone. I didn’t know my son would grow up to have attention deficit disorder or that my daughter would have a beautiful voice. I didn’t know my son would have a heart he would give freely to anyone in need and I didn’t know my daughter had a heart for Jesus. I just knew they were 6 pounds, they were infants and they were mine.

As they grew I began to learn the difference between loving them unconditionally and accepting everything that came from them unconditionally. And in the process, I also learned that I could love my ex-husband unconditionally and not accept his behavior.

I think sometimes the idea of unconditional love gets confusing, especially for Christians. Women are held to a standard of the Proverbs 31 woman and marriages are held to 1Corinthians 13: 4-7. It’s a favorite Bible verse about love often quoted during marriage ceremonies, but it’s a definition of what we should aspire to, how God loves us and not where we exist today.

1Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

In the search for a life partner, too often we look for a soulmate and unconditional love. And the expectation is will also find unconditional acceptance. We might yearn for unconditional love because we didn’t get it as children or because first, second and third relationships had failed. And too often, we are not taught as children how to give unconditional love, because in seeking it we must also be ready and willing to give it.

Unlike romantic love, unconditional love doesn’t seek gratification, pleasure or reward. It is the giving of yourself to someone else without the expectation of receiving anything in return. This kind of love transcends time and place and everyday concerns. This kind of love is not often found and even more rarely given. Ideally, unconditional love is an experience that unites two people. It means you give it as often as you get it – or more.

A long time ago, God brought someone into my life who loved me unconditionally and who I loved unconditionally. And as quickly as he came, he left to honor a commitment that had been broken 3 years before. He left because honor and ethics were what he lived and not just terms from the dictionary. And today, I still love him unconditionally.

But unconditional acceptance is something different. Unconditional acceptance means that you’ll accept what other people dish out without protecting yourself or them. Although God loves you unconditionally He does not unconditionally accept all your behavior, and neither should you unconditionally accept everyone’s behavior.

Natural consequences happen with each of the choices we make. If you forget your lunch at home, then you have to buy lunch or you have to go without until you get home for dinner. It’s the natural consequence for the behavior. And each decision we make, each behavior we have has a natural consequence. If you gossip about other people, the natural consequence is others don’t trust you because if you’ll gossip about others, then you’ll gossip about them.

I believe as parents, and especially single moms, it’s important that we love our children unconditionally because it gives us the opportunity to model for them how they should love others. But I also believe that we should not accept their behavior unconditionally. By accepting behavior unconditionally we give the other person the opportunity to treat us poorly and to walk over whatever boundaries we put up for ourselves.

Boundaries are what protect our emotional health and the emotional health of our children. When we model for them what unconditional love looks like without unconditional acceptance of someone’s poor behavior, we set up the next generation for greater success.

In a world ruled by rules, some make perfect sense and others you may accept as true without proof. You may have discovered them in a book, from a teacher, from your parents or even your friends. You may have learned them on your own and believed your experience or your friends. These are often unwritten and sometimes splashed in funny memes meant to poke fun at what may be a bit of truth, or all truth.

But, whether you learned them from someone you trusted or a stranger, there are seven critical strategies that will help you achieve your success. It doesn’t matter how you define your personal success – health, financial, recreational or emotional – these are strategies that will move you faster and further on your journey when you use them than when you ignore them.

1. Be comfortable in your own skin.

There is one person you’ll never be able to get away from in your life, and that’s you. If you don’t like your own company it can get pretty crowded, pretty fast. And, if you don’t like yourself, how can you expect others to enjoy being with you? Do you want a permanent relationship or maybe improve an existing one? It’s time work on the relationship you have with yourself, before the relationships you have with others will ever improve. Do you want to be a better leader? A better parent? A better friend? It’s time to be a better you.

Being comfortable in your own skin will help you react to others with confidence, and will help you learn how to . . .

2. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

To do anything, learn anything new, experience new success you have to stretch yourself. Stretching yourself to do new things will mean being uncomfortable – and thus being comfortable with being uncomfortable. I used to hear this and never really understood what it meant. On a basic level I knew that in order to grow in anything I had to do things I’d never done before or I wouldn’t experience anything new.

If you want to learn to ski, you have to strap them on and go down the hill. If you want to pray for people, you have to open your mouth and do it. If you want to be able to code a computer you have to take classes and TRY it. I got it about 10 years ago when I got very, very sick. As a nurse, there was one procedure I NEVER wanted performed on me – and that was a nasogastric (NG) tube. That’s a tube passed from your nose into your stomach to decompress your stomach and upper intestines. I had undergone a rather common abdominal surgery and went home the next day. By day two I was doubled in pain with a physician who kept telling me this was normal.

I knew it wasn’t. My ex-husband drove me to the hospital where I almost begged the ER doctor for an NG tube. I sent my ex out of the room so he wouldn’t faint (history of that!) and couldn’t get him to move quickly enough to get this done. The pain and pressure was unbelievable and not relieved by the hourly vomiting I had been doing for the past twelve hours.

I lived through it. The procedure didn’t kill me. And I learned a valuable lesson about myself. It’s ok to be uncomfortable because you get comfortable on the other side.

3. Have a life philosophy and know your worldview.

Every decision you make is filtered through your personal philosophy and worldview. If you believe there is a God but aren’t a disciple, your decision will be different than if you are a disciple or you don’t believe at all. The decision to vacuum the floor, take a job, talk to a friend, make a meal or even go for a walk – these decisions are all filtered through your philosophy about life and your worldview. If you don’t know what these are then your decisions are haphazard – and without consistency you won’t experience success in any area of your life. If you do experience success but are not sure what your philosophy IS you may be tempted to believe you don’t have one.

That’s not true. You may not KNOW what it is – but in order to experience success you have one.

4. Question everything and listen closely.

You may THINK you know why your child is “miss cranky pants” today – but you may also be wrong. Ask and listen. You might think you know why your boss passed you over for that promotion (they just don’t like you!), but it’s likely you’re wrong. You don’t know until you ask – and listen. Most people are formulating their response to the first sentence out of the other person’s mouth. Listen to the WHOLE conversation before you respond, you may be surprised by the results.

5. Listen to your gut, your intuition, your inner voice.

As adults, we’re often taught to follow the facts and figures as opposed to listening to our guts. I’m talking about the part of your brain that gives you the answer more quickly than the reasoning part. In several research studies, participants were given two different choices. The researchers found the pores on the participants’ hands opened when they were about to make the right choice and closed when the choice was not the best one for the situation. Scientists encourage you to develop the ability to recognize responses in your body to improve the results you get in the choices you make. For instance, in one study, people who spent a lot of time evaluating their car choice were satisfied with that choice only 25% of the time, while those who made a gut decision were satisfied 60% of the time.

6.  Build trust.

People who trust themselves are more often trusted by others. In other words, when you trust yourself to follow through on your own promises, other people can also trust you. This can be a challenge! When you make a promise, do you show up every time or do you regret it and make an excuse? When you make a promise to yourself, do you follow through or do you write it off because no one is looking? Only you know the answer to that question, and that answer identifies a deeper issue. You recognize trustworthiness in people when you see it. It’s memorable. Your goal is to be memorable in your own eyes first. You’ll experience greater confidence in your abilities and better self-esteem, all of which can lead to added success in relationships, finances and business.

7. Do not act on your feelings.

Feelings don’t have a life of their own. In other words, you can control how you feel based on how you think. Here’s the equation: Your thoughts produce feelings which drive your actions that determine your results. This means you control your feelings based on what you think, and consequently the success you experience. Don’t act on feelings that may produce results you don’t want. When success is the goal, you can’t afford to carry around envy, jealousy, anger and bitterness. Toss them away like the garbage they are.

My surgeon didn’t want to believe she made a mistake and when she discovered it was possible, she waited another 24 hours before addressing the issue. Her fear almost cost me my life.

Keep It Super Simple:

Keeping your life simple will bring great results. Life is complex enough without creating challenges by complicating the situation. When you feel the world sitting on your shoulders, it’s time to simplify.  My oldest son has been looking for a new job and is downhearted. He started listing off all the things that were going wrong, and that list was long. However, it included everything from the time he was in high school until last week.

It took a bit of work but he could finally isolate the reason for his discouragement to a declining bank account as he was paying off his college bills. Simplifying the situation and finding the solution to the underlying problem helped him to feel better. We all feel better when what’s going wrong can be identified, simplified and a solution developed.

Seven simple strategies, which when followed and incorporated into your life, will bring more success and happiness. Today, it’s time to evaluate your own life and where you stand with each of them. Do you need to simplify your reaction to a situation? Should you focus on becoming a better version of yourself? Is it time to listen to your intuition and start that small business at home?

How will your life be different when you make seven smart changes?

Have you ever experienced the crushing weight of expectation? If you’re a woman, this is likely a common everyday occurrence for you. Your children have expectations for what you can provide and what you’ll do. Your boss has expectations of your performance and your friends have expectations of your ability to be there for them.

But woven into each of these groups is the expectation you’ll approach life with a smile and a positive attitude no matter what is happening in your personal life. No matter what you’ve experienced, no matter what loss you’re facing, no matter how overpoweringly sad or frightened you are, the expectation is you will smile and take it in stride.

I had a friend many years ago who was a single mom. She had adopted two children from Russia and in the process of the adoption her husband left her. Her mother had developed cancer and came to live with her as she died. She lost her job two months after the children came home. Life was coming down around their ears and she was holding herself up by her bootstraps. We had a conversation about depression and talked about what that meant and how she felt.

She commented to me that while she found her life circumstances challenging and it was a struggle to get through each day, depression was not a feeling she felt she had the opportunity to experience. If she allowed herself to become depressed, her entire family would fall apart and she would have nothing left in the end. Instead, she chose to see her circumstances as challenging. They were something she needed to get through but not something that would overcome her.

She made a choice and she followed through.

On the other hand, she didn’t feel it was necessary to be obsessively positive all day, every day. While it was essential that she address the challenges in her life in order to maintain the safety of her family, she also believed it was important that she felt her feelings and express them to her friends. She didn’t put on a brave front – she felt her feelings, dealt with them and moved on.

It was the last part that’s been so difficult for so many – to move on.

Society has certain expectations you will always smile, always be in a good mood and will always treat people well. No matter what’s going on in your life and no matter how much of a challenge each day brings, the expectation is you live in positivity.

While research demonstrates those who have a greater positive attitude will experience better achievement and greater success, it’s not always possible to keep that attitude of positivity rolling along each and every day. Oncologists recommend their cancer patients watch comedies and uplifting television because research shows those who stay positive experience better outcomes – but no one can be positive all day.

So, suddenly, you’re on an emotional treadmill.

On the outside you’re positive, upbeat and strong, while on the inside you’re wilting and unsure how you’re going to make it through the rest of the day. It’s tiring, tiresome and often overwhelming. It stresses you more than if you owned up to the feelings you had and acknowledged that you are not Superwoman!

Yes, you are wise, but it’s wisdom born of pain. And as the song continues, “If I have to, I can do anything. I am strong. I am invincible. I am Woman.”

BUT, no matter how many times you sing those lyrics, you likely can’t do anything (meant everything). You are not invincible – but you ARE woman.

It’s important to find that friend, that safe place, where you can let loose and let go. That person who doesn’t judge you for your feelings, what you think or say In the heat of the moment but lets you say it so that you can get it out and get it over with.

Whether that person is a therapist, a friend, counselor or your pastor – this is a crucial and vital person in your life. This is someone who may make the difference between becoming totally burned out with life or enjoying greater success than you ever dreamed possible.

A treadmill it is designed to strengthen your muscles. I treadmill is supposed to give you greater cardiovascular fitness, improve the large muscles in your legs and even help you strengthen your core.

But an emotional treadmill does not. In fact it has the exact opposite effect.

An emotional treadmill is a little like the hamster on the wheel going around and around and getting nowhere. The hamster enjoys greater physical fitness on the wheel but a human experiences chronic stress. The hamster needs his wheel in order to burn off his energy, but moms need to get off the wheel and find a different release that does not generate high levels of cortisol with the subsequent health-related damage.

I had this conversation with a friend recently. She took a long look at my life and didn’t understand where I was finding balance. In her mind, I spend the day, all day, on a hamster wheel, running from one thing to another without a break or without experiencing any balance in my life. But from my point of view, I spend several hours every day experiencing the release of working out, walking my dog and practicing with my daughter. For me, that was balance. For her, it is not.

That’s a long way of saying that you might find getting off an emotional treadmill looks different for you than it does for your friends or your family. The idea is to understand yourself and recognize what you need in order to achieve emotional health without putting on a constant face of positivity to a world that expects only positive women.

As a teenager, I was the last to be picked in any sport, team or in physical education class at school. I was the last to be chosen for any group or activity. That’s not to say that I didn’t have friends, because I did. But it is to say that the cheerleaders, Geeks and science nerds avoided me. I didn’t have a set group. I belonged to the outside group.

I believe the result was I grew up with an intense desire to be liked and to be chosen. Even more so than other people. It was important that groups liked me more than I was able to join a group or an organization. My friends chose me, I didn’t choose my friends. And as age and wisdom caught up with my incredible desire to have others like me, I realized my mistake.

By this time I had children and I was teaching them it was more important for their friends to choose them, than it was for them to choose their friends. I was passing on my incredible desire to be liked by others to the next generation.

This type of superficial behavior will eventually rot you from the inside out. It’s essentially toxic and not being you will eventually destroy the you, you want to become.

It took me years to stop wanting to be liked and chosen by others. I still struggle with laughing at jokes I don’t find funny or going places I don’t necessarily want to go. I don’t so much mind eating at restaurants I don’t enjoy, but I draw the line at doing activities that aren’t in my nature.

Before I could change, I had to grow. Before I could learn how important it was to like myself, I had to learn to like myself. It was a journey that was eye-opening and sometimes expensive – and it started with motivation.

I was motivated to teach my children that it was more important to be you, the person  you were born to be, than it was to be liked by those around you. You can always find new friends, but you won’t find another you.

What you may not realize, is you can’t sustain a life trying to please others. You can try, but the price you pay will be heavy. This should scare you – and maybe provide you with the motivation you need to make a few changes.

Support

The foundation you need to become the person you want to be is to find a supportive and nourishing environment. One friend. On confidant. One person is all you need to be accountable and reveal the real you. When one person knows you –  the real you – and they still love and respect you, it becomes easier to recognize that others will do the same. And – ultimately – not everyone has to like you.

That was difficult for me – not everyone has to – or will – like me.

I grew up believing it was important to be a likable person. My mom taught me the importance of getting along to get along. And then I took it to a whole ‘nother level.

I may have reversed the trend a bit further in the other direction today, but I’m happier with myself today than I have been in the past.

Something else I learned over the years is . . . if someone doesn’t like me, the world doesn’t end.

Have you ever watched “Friends?” It was a sitcom about six mid-20s (growing into their 30s) friends who lived life together. Each of them had their problems and challenges and each had their talents. Monica was the woman who couldn’t stand it when anyone didn’t like her. She went to extremes to be sure other people liked her, and almost made herself sick when they didn’t.

One Christmas she began making chocolate candies, placing them in a basket outside her door. The hope was to meet her neighbors. What she created were neighbors ravenous for her chocolates, who didn’t care who she was or how the candies arrived in the basket. People knocked on the door at 3am when the basket was empty, and she volunteered to make more.

It’s painful to watch her character as the behavior is exaggerated. But, it’s likely the same behavior I exhibited for years, just not as BIG.

I kept myself small – so no one would notice me.

Negativity

Changing your behavior may mean cutting ties with negative people in your life. You know who these people are – they don’t like what you do or how you do it, and they make sure you know about it. You feel horrible each time you share something with them. You feel better when you aren’t around them.

And yet, if you struggle with being liked, it may be difficult to cut ties.

Self Talk

This was something that was difficult for me to learn. If I asked myself honestly, I didn’t realize that I was talking to myself at any point. I knew that I would daydream, but I didn’t count that as talking to myself. However, after much reading, learning and even counseling, I realize that what I said to myself was something that my brain believed.

So as I walked through my day, when I would jokingly say, “oh gosh that was a stupid thing to say/do,” or “I can’t believe I just did that, how dumb!” I learned those statements were heard by my brain and believed.

This was demonstrated in an exercise I learned several years ago. It’s really rather fun and you should try it because it gives you a very real understanding of how what you say out loud or to yourself is heard by your brain and interpreted by your body. The exercise requires two people and you don’t have to believe it in order to see the results. Here goes. . .

Start with both arms out to your side, shoulder height. Have your partner push down on one arm while you try to keep it up. Ask your friend to feel how much effort they have to push in order to get your arm to move.

Next, put your arms to your side. Say out loud three times – “I’m not good enough.” Be sure to repeat them slowly, out loud three times.

Now do the same strength test as you just did, with your arms at shoulder height and your friend testing how much effort it takes to move your arms.

You will likely be VERY surprised (as I was!) at how much strength you lose just because your brain hears your comments.

It’s one reason athletes talk out loud to themselves before a competition and “talk themselves up” – so to speak. What you say has an effect on your mind, your body and your performance.

Ignore Others

There’s a fine line we walk between believing what others have to say when they are people we trust, and listening to everyone for their garbage into our brains. It’s important to ignore the people who need to be ignored and identify the people you can trust.

I recently joined a discipleship group and one of the topics in last week’s small group was about finding people in your life with whom you develop a trusting relationship. That relationship is so deep that these are the people who know you best and will call you on whatever you’re doing wrong.

Although it’s not easy to let other people’s opinions go, it is simple. It is simply recognizing and understanding that their opinions don’t mean anything. They can have whatever opinion they want because God has given us the ability for free will and free choice. And, if you live in America, the government gives you the same choice. However, with that choice comes responsibility and it’s time to exercise the responsibility of knowing when to listen and when to let go.

It’s not easy but it is simple and this is where an accountability partner or trusted friend can help immensely. When you bounce these ideas off of someone you trust, you learn to hear the truth in what others say. The more you practice, the better you get at it.

I eventually learned to let go of much of my desire to be liked by others because I knew I was teaching my children a habit that was not healthy. I was teaching them and they would be teaching their children. And suddenly, I was looking at generations of people who would value the opinions of others before they value their own opinion; who would change themselves in order to be liked by others while in the meantime disliking themselves.

Today is the day to start looking at your own future and determining it for yourself, because remember, your children are watching!

“In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

Although the attribution of this quote is in question – some attribute to Dr. Martin King and others have found it was an error in cutting and pasting from a Facebook post by Jessica Dovey – the reality is that the words ring true no matter who said them.

This was aptly demonstrated as the #MeToo campaign was joined by women around the world, finally able to talk about the harassment they had experienced. This was only one consequence of silence. Others have led to genocide, racism and war across the centuries.

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” – Edmund Burke

We each have experienced times in life where we stayed silent – because it was easier, more accommodating or when we felt threatened by others in power.

I think women are more likely to stay silent so as not to rock the boat (accommodating) or when they feel threatened by the person in power. When your job or career is on the line you may feel it’s better to allow someone to say things you wouldn’t normally allow, so you can be promoted or to keep your job, salary and a roof over your children’s heads.

Unfortunately, it’s in these circumstances we teach our children – who are carefully watching EVERYTHING we do – when to speak and when to stay silent. The tightrope you walk being a single mom, required to bring home the bacon – so to speak – and teach your children why it’s important to speak up for yourself and those unable to speak for themselves, is a challenge.

It has been helpful to have rules for my children, but I find those rules also help me. There have been times when my children have called me on my behavior or on a decision made because it doesn’t align with the rules we created to keep peace and harmony in our home. It is these rules I can rely on to help me make difficult decisions when speaking up has as many consequences as staying silent.

This has never been more evident in my life than recently. I have a friend who is struggling with her life decisions, her children and her future. She was once a single mom, raising three children on her own. After a season she met and married a very nice man and together they have made a home and merged their families.

But in the past her youngest daughter had experienced horrific abuse at the hands of her father. It was a couple of years before my friend could prove the abuse so she could permanently remove her daughter. Years of prayer, relying on friends, talking about abusive situations and opening up to strangers.

Today her daughter continues to experience the effects of those years of abuse, and her mother does as well. Silence in her small community, silence in her husband’s family and her silence for years only perpetuated the problems and ultimately the negative emotional effects.

My friend did what she could, at the time, with the resources she had – but she paid the price of the silence of her neighbors and his family, and will continue to pay a lifelong price.

When we don’t speak for ourselves or others, we are validating their ideas and behavior. This same friend has asked for advice several times and I have been brutally honest. I won’t do her any favors by agreeing or disagreeing to make her happy – and thankfully she understands that and desperately wants someone to speak the truth in love to her.

I believe with all my heart that is what our world needs – speaking the truth in love. We have watched what silently agreeing, being silent or participating has gotten us. Our country is suffering under the burden of a growing number of people who have no compassion or mercy for people who don’t look or act like them.

I recently joined a Christian discipleship group. The first thing that struck me was the safety within the group. The leader said it was a safe group, a safe place to express yourself and enjoy the presence of the Holy Spirit. But I didn’t BELIEVE it. I had never been someplace where there wasn’t at least one person who was a bully, talked back, didn’t obey the rules or otherwise made of fun of everyone.

But not here. Here it’s safe.

Everyone is accepted and there is no silence. And silence is not needed since everyone is after the same thing – to experience His presence.

I have a situation at home now that requires I’m not silent. My oldest son needs a bit of direction, and doesn’t want it I’m sure. After all, at the age of 26, which one of us wanted to hear from our parents we might be making poor decisions?

While I won’t be silent, I also won’t be derisive or condemning. This is his life and he has the choice to live it in any way he chooses. But as his mother, I have the responsibility to point out the end of the journey he’s currently taking. I have the RESPONSIBILITY to NOT remain silent.

He has the choice.

I have the responsibility.

And once communicated – a time or two, but not more than three! – it’s his decision and his life. His consequences and my responsibility to allow him to live the consequences.

There are so many ways and places we may or may not remain silent – and consequences to staying silent that affect more than this generation. The time to pick your battles is when you have battles to pick – and not when they’ve all been chosen for you.

The time to speak up is when you have your voice before the world has stifled you.

The time to speak is when your children are watching so they also learn speaking up is important to retain their dignity, to help those who can’t help themselves and defend the ideas they hold dear.

The time to speak is NOW.

Sources:
Root, Fake MLK Quote Goes Viral, https://www.theroot.com/fake-mlk-quote-goes-viral-1790863806